I think scott just propositioned me for sex
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
