First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I AM VODKA MAN
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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