I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
