just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I pour the whiskey from now on
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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