Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
