She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
