I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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