you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Farmville is her only friend.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
