If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
