Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
