Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
