My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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