Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
