So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I will pee on everything he values.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
