Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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