Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
