I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
