mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
