my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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