Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
