And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
