he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
