he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
