eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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