I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
