Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
