I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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