if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I still have a little drunk in my system
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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