Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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