highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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