i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
