well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
