I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My feet surprised me
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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