We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
handjob tips. give me some.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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