It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
