Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
