you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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