Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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