remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
