i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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