so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
