is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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