am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
