I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
