White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
