Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
