If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
