It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
