turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
