He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
